Wrestling with (against) God

“When life moves at a crazy pace and your hopes and dreams seem to wash away and your options seem to dissipate…turn your heart and simply think of ME…”


Last week was CRAZY! It was one of those weeks that went by in a blur. I spent 99.8% stressing about anything and everything (I was trying to sleep the other .2% of the time). There were new stressors every day and new things to worry about. I began to even worry about my worrying. It was one of those weeks...I was tired, frustrated, angry, apprehensive, distraught, mad, sad, depressed, repressed, anxious, curious, restless, and the list goes on, mostly, I was confused and hurt. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, it was one of those weeks I wish I was invisible, or at least I had a black hole to fall into. I felt like the Lord was ignoring me (I still think he kind of was…sometimes it has to be that way for me to get “it”).

The long and short of it was I wanted to Lord to answer my prayers, and if He didn’t want to do that the least He could do was give me a reason why. I wanted God to tell me why, when, what, how…why not now…when then…what did I do and what do I do now…how much longer do I have to wait…ha! I recently read Job and realized that when God answers the “why” it’s a courtesy not requirement. You weren’t there when it all began and you might not be there after it ends, so ultimately it’s not about you. I struggled (am currently struggling) with this. Although I understand it a bit more now, or more or less I’ve accepted that I might not understand or be able to comprehend until later.

Anyway so I spent most of last week lamenting over EVERYTHING. I begged, I pleaded, I cried. And nothing…nothing….nothing. Silence! So I got angry and despondent. God was (is) making me wait. I think in the back of my mind I knew, but I hoped He’d change his mind if I asked enough. I begged God to take my mustard seed and work a miracle on my behalf as He has done before, which in response was an “imagine if you gave me more…a kidney bean or even cantaloupe…” Imagine if I gave God EVERYTHING and just let Him work. I know easier said than done, but prayfully possible.

So where am I now? Honestly, I’m still in a bit of a rut. I know that in the end God will show up and show out, but I can’t see how, and that still scares me a bit. I will say this letting go and letting God is more than a notion. In the past I have “let go and let God” and worried (and worked) until a solution surfaced much to my distress. But this time is different, this time God wants more…*refers to prayer in previous post*…and so I wait, surrender, watch, and pray.

Perhaps I occupy time praying for those who really need it, maybe even more than me…an old coworker who just lost her father almost a year later to the day that she lost her mother…an pastor in Cali and his wife, who’s little girl is fighting for her life (born 17 weeks early, only 1.5 pounds)…those injured in the Boston Marathon and their families…those grieving…a friend who just lost her brother…friends struggling with life-altering decisions…we are ALL standing the need of prayer. Starts to put things in perspective…
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