Justwrite85 Answers Questions

So I came across this on CNN.com…I liked the question because it happens more than people think. And I wanted to give it a stab and answer it.

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been in a long-distance relationship for six months with a guy I’ve known about two years through work; we’ve seen each other in person for what amounts to a month during vacations and we talk daily via Internet chat and video.

I’m in my late twenties; he’s in his early thirties. I really care for him and thought I was falling in love. Things were going really well on our last vacation up until the end of the trip when I asked him was there anything in the relationship bothering him, and he told me that while I had a very pretty face, my weight has been an issue for him.

I have dropped some weight since I’ve first known him and currently wear S-M shirts, U.S. size 8 in pants. He soon apologized after seeing how much it hurt me, but I know it’s honestly what he feels, and is a factor in his attraction to me. He said that while it was a factor, it wasn’t a “dealbreaker.” I can’t stop thinking about it and my self-esteem has taken a bruising. I was working on losing more weight, and this could be a kick in the butt to get on it, but I wonder what it could mean long-term.

I sometimes want to end the relationship because of this and because he doesn’t seem to be as attached as I am, but a part of me wants to see what happens next year. Perhaps I’m moving too fast anyway. What do you think? — Weighty Issues

Dear Weighty Issues,

Six months is a long time, and the fact that you knew him 2 years before that, your size should be no surprise. With that being said people have types, ‘prototypes’ and things they like or prefer. They have the right to have these slight ‘discriminations’ because in all honesty they ultimately have to ‘deal’ with it for as long as the relationship last. The only exception, in my opinion, is if significant change happens during the relationship (i.e. pregnancy weight gain, thyroid issues, etc). If not he went in with eyes wide open, so he can not use this as an excuse, but it doesn’t seem like he did. He was honest and I do applaud him for his honesty…but at what expense?

Weight is such a sensitive subject and it can really pierce deep, sometimes we don’t realize how deep until the spotlight is on us. I can understand why you would take a personal, but to be completely honest, he was just answering a question. If he says it is not a deal breaker, maybe it is taking him some time to get used to it, to get over his ‘discriminations.’ Our basic instincts, wants and desires are deeply embedded. They make up who we are and while at times they may be bias, illogical and/or irrational, they are apart of us.  They are innate characteristics that we possess, so it can take some time to revamp our thinking and replace them with unbiased, logical and rational results. He may be used to dating a certain type of woman. You may be the opposite of that, and it may take him some time to realize his ‘problem’ with your weight is not a problem at all or to realize it is HIS problem and not yours.

Next, we come to the question of whether to end the relationship or wait and see what happens next year. One thing to remember is that while time heals wounds, it doesn’t change people…People rarely change. With all that being said you should consider the relationship as a whole when considering moving on, if he is not as involved as you then that may be a big red flag to move on. However, I don’t think that him expressing his discontent about your weight should be a deal breaker for you if it isn’t for him.

Lastly, losing weight should be a personal conviction. It should not be something that you do for someone else because most things done for others are short lived. Take control of your life and your weight because you want too, not because someone else thinks you should. If you are fine like you are, be proud of that. Be healthy, happy and contentent because ultimately you have to live with yourself.