God Willing and the creek don't rise...relationship anxiety and other random stuff that I was thinking about

I don't know, but that title makes me giggle and yet brings me comfort all at the same time...and I thought it would be a great title for this post. While some is random and maybe incoherent (to some)...it make sense to me.

I don't talk to many people these days, so when I do get the chance it's nice until they start asking about children or encouraging me to move. If I am fine with my life the way it is...can't you be also?

Ok so my rant comes from a conversation I had with someone yesterday. I think that first problem was that I picked up the phone to talk when I wasn't in the mood to talk. Anywho we started talking and as I usually do when we talk I allowed her to carry the conversation. Toward the middle it got kind of dry, so she pulled out the usual "when are you all having kids" question. Too tired to come up with something sarcastic I politely answered. Then we got on the topic of friends, being married and moving on... I won't even get into the entire conversation, but basically she blamed my nonchalantness toward "our friends" on my being married. -_- Seriously. Ok, I'm done.

So...recently I've been exploring my sensitive side. *blank stare* So I have been actively rehashing the past to dig up and hopefully get over some feelings I have had toward people. I find that I don't hold grudges (or maybe I do), but I remember them, vividly. Some may find this to be a bad thing mainly because why bring up the past. But the more I contemplate the more I understand that the past shapes us and how we address certain situations and issues. I am the way I am because of my past situations... Before I divulge anymore I have learned some important facts (and fiction) that I believe makes me who I am today.

Fact: At some point at life everyone hurts you...how you deal with this can strengthen or destroy a relationship
Fact: Everyone is Not your friend...some people are just nice, but they are not your friends
Fact: Everyone does Not have your best interest in mind. Period.
Fact: Forgiveness is the first step to help you move up, and more importantly, on
Fact: Silence can be golden, sometimes saying nothing speaks in more volumes
Fact: Relationship growth and acceptance is key for better relationships
Fiction: Shutting everyone out will not make anything easier *repeats over and over*
Fiction: Once friends always friends

Now let's have story time:

I get a text from a friend telling me about a party at another friend's house. This is the second message of this kind, so slightly annoyed I haven't heard from the other friend I text them to see what the deal is. They confirm the party then request my assistance in helping with the party. My response...oh ok when? *blank stare*

I have been texting and calling a friend since last October...no response until almost a month ago. Then she texted me two weeks ago asking for my help in a fashion show she was doing. My response...sure. *blank stare*

Last year a friend told me I was cold and aloof (ok so didn't use those words but I summarized)...hurt me to the core. But I would still do almost anything for her. *sad face*

What I have learned:

I have a hard time saying no...when it comes to certain (most) people. I have a hard time expressing myself because basically people suck a understanding your point of view and/or even listening to you. And the funny thing is most people wouldn't even describe me as a pushover...I struggle with balance in most of my friendships and it causes a bad case of relationship (friendship) anxiety that carries over into so many facets of my life. So much to the point now I shrink at the thought of making 'friends' or keeping some of the old.

But I still thank God for the lessons I have learned and the ones I hope help me through this.