My love and hate Realtionship with my weight and all that other jazz

The (My) Situation
My last year in college I started a 'lifestyle change.' I started working out twice a day, I rid my diet of anything made with white flour, reduced my portion size, stop eating cheese and fried foods, I counted calories…I was on a roll. I lost a decent amount of weight, I didn't go from fat to thin in a matter of months, but I did ok for the regime I put myself on. Soon after I graduated and life began to change, and I wasn't able to do all the stuff I was doing like the workouts, but I managed to get at least one workout in a day and still watch what I was eating…of course this created little to no change. Thus my frustration sets in and caused a setback, and thus the cycle I continuously get in. My love and hate relationship with my weight and all that other jazz.

From as far back as I can remember I have been 'trying' to lose weight. I had to be between 8 and 10 when I first went to weight watchers. I wasn't as big as some of the kids you see on TV just a little chubby; since my mom was going I went with her. Not sure how long that lasted, but at 13 I joined a gym; I knew how to work all the machines. Despite how I look I have been exercising all my life…maybe not hard enough. :/ Anywho at 17 I got a personal trainer, who kicked my butt thoroughly…the first day I thought I was going to die! In college I made a conscience effort to eat better and exercise more which resulted in losing 20 pounds. This prompted me to get a gym membership during summer vacation. The year after I left college, the first time ever I tried a dietary supplement. The caffeine was too much for my body, and had terrible adverse effects. This year I tried to balance myself with exercising and eating, and not go too overboard. I had some success losing 10 pounds. However, I had to have surgery on my toe, so I was out of commission for a while, and I lost my flare to do much of anything for a while, so once again I had a slight setback. The seesaw that comes with me working out and eating right tortures the very nature of my core, but it's what I do.

The (My) Environment
I grew up vegetarian, I started eating chicken (in public) when I got to college (stopped by my junior year and decided to only eat certain types of fish)…lol. I grew in a house where eating after 6 PM was frowned upon, so in college I had no late night binges except for occasionally 2 bean burritos at Taco Bell on Saturday night (cut a girl some slack). We did not have a ton of junk food in our house, I rarely; if ever buy chips, cookies, juice, for my house. I try to eat no later than 7:30, which I think is terribly late. I love fresh veggies and fruit. I also love mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, bread, pizza, French fries, bean burritos, cinnabons, pretzels, well you get the point. I, like most, have some good and bad habits and it's a daily struggle to keep them all in check.

Ever heard the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree, well the apple holds even more characteristics of the tree than you think. The apple is the way it is because of the tree. So before I start off this section I will state this disclaimer…I love my mother to death and I am very much like her in a lot of ways, but I hope this tradition dies soon. (She also recently explained why she does this and it's because of my grandmother…vicious cycle) One of my friends once said 'your mom is always on a diet.' My mom lives on a diet, I don't ever think I've seen her not on a diet or about to get on one…smh…If you have ever met my mom, she is usually talking about some diet she is/was/going on. And true to form most of her sisters, and my cousins, are always on a diet or about to 'lose' weight. I have never been to a family gathering where the subject of weight and weight lost does not rear its ugly head. They are constantly exchanging diet and weight lost tips, showing how much they lost, and so on and so forth. However, most people in my family are not thin or even close to it. O_O …plain and simple, we as a family, struggle with weight.

Next, I'm married now (if you didn't already know hence the anniversary blog *shrug*), and I married into a family that is the totally opposite of mine. None of them seem to struggle or dwell on weight as much as my family does. Most of them are vegan which could be part, but most of them are naturally skinny. Lucky Duckies... *Gulp* I know I stick out like a sore thumb in this family…I know for a fact by the way I was treated during my wedding planning and such. *Sigh* I still struggling with that, but I am slowly trying to get over it (gonna take some time). As a matter of fact it is because of that I still feel uncomfortable around them (there I said it).

My friends are all shapes and sizes, but most are have some curves (even the skinny ones…lol). I have always felt the most comfortable around my friends, and discussing weight with some of them. However I know for a fact, a lot of them are struggling with the same issue, and in the same way I am. For some of them it has torn down their self-esteem and made it hard for them to love themselves. When I think of the hurt their weight causes, I am hurt and upset. I am angry it even had to come to this. I have seen a lot of them struggle silently and out loud with this issue. While I don't think it's fair it like most things is a learning process and has to do dealt with as so.

The (My) Hate
I hate people who can eat whatever they want, whenever they want and it'll very rarely catch up with them. (I married someone like that. I pray my children have his metabolism or are excellent runners.) I hate watching what I eat…sigh…I hate having to exercise to maintain my 'fatness'…I hate the fact I may never be skinny (whatever that is)…I hate the guilty feeling I get when I don't exercise especially after I eat a big meal…the guilty feeling I get for eating a big meal. I hate that I have always been surrounded by people (my family) who define themselves in how big or small they are. I hate that my weight makes others uncomfortable. I hate that for years I thought it was my weight keeping guys away (it was really my wit, attitude and intimidation techniques…haha). I hate that I will probably struggle with weight forever. I hate that I will forever be doomed to pay extreme attention exercise and what I eat. I hate that my beauty will never be good enough to some because of my size. I hate that I hate…

The (My) Anger and Resentment
People say it's about 'getting healthy', but not when we are focusing on our sizes. 'I don't want to be a size 14.' 'I can't believe I have to buy a 16 in this dress.' 'All I want to do it be a healthy size 8.' Since when was a 6, 8 or even 2, healthy? We are constantly defining ourselves by standards that have nothing to do with health. There are more things more important than dress size like…blood pressure? Are you at risk for hypertension or diabetes? I understand the pressure of making the cut, but at what expense? My sanity…I hope not I can not lose any more of that…lol. My anger comes from not telling people to "SHUT UP" giving me health tips, teas, soups, and any diet that helps me lose the weight. I don't need your tips, keep them to yourself. My anger and resentment is toward me for being so gullible and so naïve. For allowing others (people I know and love to the general media) define me and what I think is beautiful. My anger comes from the fact that for years I have lost weight for others. My resentment comes from the fact that most time when talking or thinking about weight it is because I am thinking about others perception of me and not my own. Yes, I am tired of the being the fat, heavy-set, big, obese, large, stout girl, lady, woman to myself, and seemingly, those around me, but perhaps this is who I will always be unless I change MY attitude. My anger and resentment falls on me for not thinking better of myself. Ultimately I am to blame for my anger and resentment because ultimately it was caused by me. Yet I still must ask when does the cycle end, when does one reach contentment? When I'm a size 6? 130 pounds? Possibly but I’ve never been close to either one of those, so really who knows?! Contentment can only be reach when I become more than just my weight, when it truly just the number on the scale and not the reason to fall short.

The (My) Solution (or something like it)
I'll probably struggle with this all my life, but my goal is to not to let it control me. Truth be told I more awesome than I think sometimes, size should not be a defining factor, and I have to always remember that. If healthy is the ultimate goal, I will do what I need to do to be healthy, and forsake all else. I want to lose weight and get healthy for myself and this is why I have to first defy the things that hold me back. I have to do things on my own and at my own pace. I can not look to others and their ides of me or their accomplishments. Too many times I compare my success to those around me. I am determined to control my destiny in this just like I do with anything else in my life. My first goal has been making this realization and achieve acceptance for myself, and hopefully, contentment will follow.