Living in Fear

I am afraid of thunderstorms and most storms in general. Don't know where this fear came from or how to get rid of it. When I was child I can vividly remember sleeping in my parents closet every time one came. As I went off to college they joked about what I would do when storms came there. To my surprise it was much easier to deal with in college especially when living in the dorm. Mainly because of the facade I put up to mask my true feelings in front of those who I felt wouldn't understand. Once I moved out of the dorm into my own place, my fear once again returned, reminding me that masking fears don't get rid of them.

I have so many new fears as an adult. So many grown up fears. I have a fear of the future and what it holds. Where will I be in 20, 10 , 5 years, heck where will I be in 6 months? The uncertainly of the future at times causes me extreme fear and anxiety. This fear is only surpassed by my fear of mediocrity. Which should make me want to push harder every day, but my my lack of motivation hinders me from doing that because of the fear that I might be rushing into something.

I have a fear that I will never have friends who are close, who I can depend on again. Which causes me to fear that I have this empty feeling for a while. My constant fear is having to hold all this stuff in, not being to talk it out. There's so much I want to say, but I fear it just won't come out right. My fear is trying to deal with such a wealth of emotion and handle it all by myself.

I have a fear of regret. I have a fear that my emotions will overrule my reason and cause me to become someone I am scared of becoming.

My ultimate fear is being too sacred to act. Why? Because this is not the life I envisioned for myself. Don't take this the wrong way, I am well aware of what I have and thankful for it, but a times I want so much more. At times I think my problem is wanting too much or what I can't have causing a somewhat slightly paralyzing my fear of thunderstorms seems almost insufficient. The even scary thing is that is I am unsure of what it is exactly that I want more of. Something just feels incomplete...and searching for it only makes me crazier. Perhaps more adventure? More challenge? More engagement? More stimulation?

Honestly, I feel better already acknowledging that I have fears, I am not perfect and I am choosing not to mask that. That I don't have it altogether. I know I raised some deep issues, but I have no solutions. All I can say is that the reality is that we're not human without fear. My fear of thunderstorms and life in general will more than likely continue, but I have decided not to let them run me out of my bed (at least not most times) or away from living. Until then I can only reach for my contentment beyond my fears.

My blog was inspired by Jazmine Sullivan's song Fear -