Third times a Charm

When we first decided to start 'trying' I thought things would be easier. I imagined my pregnancy symptoms one day sneaking up on me and the fun in revealing I was pregnant to all my family and friends. But there was also this nagging feeling of all the things that could go wrong. Most days I was terrified about the prospect of it all. I was in a number of 'trying to conceive' groups. Advice ranged from practical to pure insanity. The best advice I got was to buy dollar store pregnancy tests. Which is the best advice I can pass one because preganancy tests are ridiculously expensive. I searched ALL over NYC for a dollar store and the "mythical" dollar store tests. I told God once I found them I would know that I was pregnant.

Then one day it happened. I got two lines, or so I thought. I needed a second test to be sure. But it was 6:30 in the morning and nothing was open yet. My excitement and confusion got the best of me, and I asked my husband if he thought he saw a second line also. He response, "did you pee on that?" He was less than excited to be awaken on a Sunday morning with me waving a pee stick in his face. So the first reveal didn't go as planned. But all hope was not lost there would be plenty others to have. But I still needed another test. Out I ventured at 7 in the through the streets of East Harlem to find an open bodega or pharmacy. Rite Aid was open so I bought a the cheapest test they had, $7. I decided to run a few errands before going home. I grabbed some breakfast. I popped into the local Deals store for some cleaning supplies. As I walked down the aisle I glanced over and saw the mythical $1 pregnancy test. I grabbed 4 tests and some Lysol and headed home. Sure enough 2 lines showed up. The adventure had started.

I curbed my enthusiasm long enough to let my anxiousness get the best of me. I decided to err on the side of caution and keep it a secret until I was in my 2nd trimester. But during the week I started to have some complications and my biggest pregnancy fears started to surface. I had to wait over a weekend to get a second opinion about everything. I prayed and agonized with the Lord over the weekend. I prayed to see a heartbeat, and sure enough Monday morning, it popped up on the screen. What a relief! I rejoiced in this miracle and decided to only tell close friends and family. Caution ruled my life. I was never fully able to relax during my pregnancy. I vowed to do better next time.

Next Time

I watched friends get pregnant, planned and unplanned, and wondered when I would be next. I had several maybe moments. I finally decided to rest in my season and allow the Lord to lead. When I finally decided, before a trip, to test again just to be sure. I went on a wild goose chase for a test. I didn't want to walk to Deals in the heat. So I decided to drive to Target instead. I picked out the cheapest test they had, $4 and headed to the grocery store. I find that when you least expect it (A dollar store), it's been there (across the street From the grocery store) all along. God has a funny way of showing He's in control. Not only was the test positive but I was almost 10 weeks along. Talk about mercy?! While I was busy lamentating over God's timing, He'd been plotting and planning all along.  And this pregnancy He saved me the agony of the first trimester. This time around I was calmer. Everything seemed to happen much faster.

But everyone knows Third times a charm. I started praying a year in advance. I had a few close calls, one even happened at the doctor office. A doctor told me I was pregnant. I was pregnant for a whole 15 minutes until she realized she had used the wrong urine for the test. I told the Lord this time I would be cool as a cucumber since this would be my last go round and since I had done this twice before. Also knowing that my pregnancy experiences are a big part of spiritual journey, I wanted to be more prepared and show I had learned something the last two times. Knowing that God is in control, and He's the captain of this ship is comforting but it also scares me. But when my test came back positive it scared me at first. I felt thankful and terrified at the same time. But I challenged myself to embrace the journey. Which I did for all of 4 days, until I got back my HCG results which were 233, lower than someone 6 weeks should be. My heart sank, my anxiety skyrocketed. My journey had barely started and I was already in full panic. The nurse told me I could come back on Monday for more bloodwork which meant I would spend another agonizing weekend in limbo. I decided to use the weekend like I did almost 4 years ago praying and agonizing with God about my baby. I prayed that my HCG would be 800 to 1200 at the next reading. My results came in at 1911. *inserts praise break* Won't He do it?! Exceedingly and abundantly more! They drew blood again and my numbers were at 4055 this time. I considered this God's promise of my pregnancy. At first I was ashamed of how I behaved after learning the results. It's like I had learned nothing. Praise God for his patience. I was elated for 4 days until I started spotting during my trip in Texas. Since it was associated with cramping I went to the ER. They told me I had gallstones and might need my gallbladder removed and that I had to go to another ER to talk to a surgeon. They also noted that I had two sacs, but only one fetal pole and no heartbeat. I tried to process this on the ambulance ride to the next hospital. After another ultrasound I was told that I had one gallstone (which was minor and didn't need surgery) and a baby with a flicker (heartbeat). I was excited but I wanted to curb my excitement until I saw my OB back in GA. As much as I love roller coaster, emotional ones are my least favorite. After my visit to the OB, I felt more of track after seeing the heartbeat on the screen. But I wanted to be safe and not sorry, so I scheduled another appointment for another ultrasound at another doctor's office. What the heck happened to me trusting God? Did I not believe His promise? We've barely started the journey and I was already in full panic mode. Again here I am ashamed. This pregnancy was supposed to be different yet it looked like I had taken two steps back. What can I say? So here I am almost to my 2nd trimester and I struggle everyday. I feel so blessed to be on this journey again. I'm beyond thankful for God's grace and mercy. I'm praise Him for his promises. I continously remind myself that He is faithful. His patience covers all my doubt, fear, aniexty...whatever. 

Jailyn NicholsonComment