Part 2: The evolution of everything
If you've read this. You know my struggle. The ironic thing is I wrote that right before I started a fitness journey that resulted in an over 40-pound weightloss. It was the first time I'm ever really lost that much weight. And I was on a roll. I exercised 5 days a week, did at least 45 mins of cardio and 45 mins of weight training. Some days I did Zumba class and weight training. I was a stickler for what I was eating. I would not eat one peanut more than suggested. It was the best of times, it was different times.
My life is so different now. I can't imagine working out for 2 hours then coming home to make dinner and deal with 2 kids (which I would have been dealing with all day). If I found a whole 2 hours to do something for, and by, myself I wouldn't spend it at the gym. And if I'm being completely honest the first time I lost weight I was at a very difficult point in my life. I was so methodical about everything being perfect because, in reality, it wasn't. I needed something to control, and for a long time it worked and yielded some great results. But soon after losing the weight, I had some major life changes, I quit my job, moved to NYC, had children. Yes, these are excuses, but they are real life issues.
Fast-forward to today, and I can't help but lament over where I am in my weight loss journey. Stuck somewhere between loving and being content with my body and/or eternally trying to change it. I've realized that sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. I had 2 children and some of the weight gained during that stuck around. But I also love the contentment I have found within myself. The boldness of my mental space. Being able to eat something and not feel guilty. Accepting that maybe I'll never be my ultimate goal weight, but I can be healthy. Living life without having the looming cloud of my weight hang over me. Trying to decide if there is such a feeling?
Even more so I'm unmotivated to work so hard towards a goal that; frankly I'm not sure will make a difference in my overall feeling about the way that I look or feel. Even after losing 40 pounds I still felt fat. I could see the changes, but I still felt the same. I'm learning that the feeling that I am/was searching for is more psychological than anything. It doesn't come from a number on the scale or the time on an elliptical. I feel more impassioned to find a happy medium on this issue then be driven by an unrealistic standard for myself.