So I decided to join the gym, a small victory in more ways than one. I've joined a gym before and had some success, hoping for the same results this time around. But I've never done so based on their baby-sitting services. This gives me the ability to visit the gym freely with Jos in tow and workout at my leisure. Seems like a win-win, right? Wrong! This was the first I would be leaving my baby, and with a complete stranger. Most of the time I am no more than 500 ft away, but as a new mom I might as well be in Singapore. With this new found opportunity comes a paralyzing fear and weird separation anxiety. I welcome the hour or two I get to spend in the gym, but I worry constantly about that little girl.
I didn't think leaving her would be easy, but I must admit I never thought it would be this hard. The first day, I checked in after I warmed up, again after 30 mins of cardio (this was the longest 30 minutes EVER), after my first weight training activity, before I went to the bathroom. I'm sure you can see where this is going. I was a nervous wreck until we were back in the car on the way home. The second day I left her for 35 mins until I checked…progress. A friend once told me that she decided to stay home with her daughter until she was able to communicate well enough to let her know if something was wrong. I figured she was overreacting, but now as a parent it makes perfect sense. It's funny the irony that comes along with age and life experience. I kind of live by that rule now.
The reality is no one will ever be good enough to take care of her than me. Leaving her might be a necessity sometimes, but it will always be hard. My basic plight as a mother is to constant worry. And while I secretly hope it gets easier, and I know it doesn't initially. So my separation anxiety will be as extensive as my gym stay for now.